1. On arrival to Bogota airport or bus station take a taxi to Sayta (see below) Insist on using the meter to calculate the fare. Argue with the driver until you are blue in the face. Eventually concede to a fixed price, as the driver will refuse to use the meter and accept the inevitability of being massively ripped off.
2. Check into Sayta hostel for the friendliest welcome in Colombia.
3. Go on the graffiti tour. Take hundreds of pictures for Instagram/Tumblr/Facebook and pretend to be cool.
4. Arrange for a couple of friends to join you; one Scottish and one English. For this step we called upon Emily and David. Not only did they meet the nationality criteria but they were also very good company.
5. Go to Monserate with your friends. When being sent on a mission to find the quickest way to the top get the information confused and join the slowest moving queue in the world for 2 plus hours. Use that time to dwell on your mistake. It’s preferable to chose an unbearably hot day for this.
6. Go to the gigantic gay club Theatron De Peliculia with your friends. Drink as much rum as humanly possible from the free bar then proudly showcase your basic Spanish skills to lovely Colombians who speak perfect English and would prefer you also spoke English too. (NB. You don’t have to be gay for this step, but accept that someone of the same sex might try it on with you – after all, gays have good tase).
7. Cancel all plans for the day after step 6. You will not be able to achieve anything other than the most basic functions needed to stay alive.
8. Depending on what age bracket you are in you might be restricted to only light tasks 2 days after step 6. Either way, muster up the strength to go to a supermarket. Buy some steak and red wine. Go back to your hostel to prepare dinner with your friends then enjoy one of the best meals you have ever had for £5 a head.
9. Go to the Police headquarters for a guided tour by a student who is completing 1 year of compulsory police service. Here you can see some interesting/amusing exhibits relating to Pablo Escobar. If you are lucky you will get a guide who will spontaneously quote poetry to you on the rooftop and then declare how much he loves his home city by saying in very clear terms that he intends to die there.
10. End with a very sad farewell to an amazing city that is thoroughly underrated but get sent off with lots of fanfare from Jin from Sayta (via South Korea).